Marriages are made in hell..

I remember when I was young; I saw a Hollywood movie and witnessed the Christian marriage for the first time. The father at the church asks,’ Do you take her as your wedded wife or do you take him as man of your life?’ and they say’ ‘Yes, I DO.’ At that time, I was not mature enough to understand the love, the time taken to explore each other before those vows or the compatibility you and your partner share enough to take your relationship to the next level. Moreover,we have more of arrange marriages here in my country. Divorce is a thing which is a taboo for a well cultured couple. Sometime, it is an offense to the Indian middle-class society. You are not allowed to leave your husband, no matters if he kills you or the melancholy of a failed marriage kills you. I live in a society where the would-be husband decides what you are going to do, wear what kind of dresses, using social networking sites or not, being in a job or not or even live or not. What the fuck do our society, our culture, and our values bloody flaunt of, when they actually have nothing.  There is no love needed for marriage here. People decide on marriages as if it is a contract. If you can leave your job then we can get married, if you can stop wearing jeans then we are good, if you are not on any social networking sites, then we can marry. WTF all you guys think of a girl? Is she fucking dropped down from the sky? She has done nothing in her life. Her parents mean nothing to her or what? I love a man. I love him because he is he, because he does the things he loves to do. But he can’t love me for what I am. He needs to change me. He has also committed blunders in his life and I have accepted him with all of them; but no, he has to flash my small past mistakes and has to do it for our whole life until I commit suicide or his distrust and his family members’ continuous tantrums kill me. I had no intention to post something like this today until I heard that news which almost changed me as an Indian woman. My flat mate’s friend committed suicide day before yesterday or her husband killed her, nobody knows. I had known her through my friend only as she was her best friend. She was a girl full of life, fond of clothes, fashion, travelling and living her life on the edge. She has been suffering from a disease, very common in Indian society, the domestic violence. She was not a woman dependent on her husband for her bread and butter. Then what stopped her from leaving her husband and start a new life all these four years? I tell you, it was you, yes, you the common middle-class Indian. The Indian society and apostles of the domestic violence in the name of culture and values here killed her finally. It was you, who threatened her of divorce and the miserable life of a single woman in India. If a woman doesn’t want to get married or even she wants to get separated from her husband after marriage, then how many slurs our society would cast on her, we can hardly imagine. If a girl doesn’t want to get married, it means there is something wrong with her and her life. I don’t know who talks about the freedom and improvement of women’s condition in Indian society. I am sorry but apart from a handful of open-minded families, nobody is ready to accept this fact that GIRLS ARE NOT ONLY MEANT TO BE DOMESTICATED. In a society, where people and even educated, elite people boast of ancient customs like “sati where a widow throwing herself on her husband’s funeral pyre. This is disgusting and ironical also, because in my country I get everything equal to men, from education to jobs,  sometimes we have quotas also; but when I am married I suddenly become the HOUSE KEEPER. My friends, whether male or female are no more mine after mt marriage. I need to forget them all just like this. My family is history; I can’t go and see my mother without my in-laws permission. Its ironical that on one side my country MEN are supporting SONIA GANDHI, an Italian lady but an Indian daughter-in-law to become the next  Prime Minister of India, and on the other side, WHEN THEY COME HOME THEY BRUTALLY BEAT THEIR WIVES FOR NOT MAKING THEIR DAAL-CHAWAL PERFECTLY.


29 thoughts on “Marriages are made in hell..

  1. I´m so sorry to hear about your friend and so sorry that you feel trapped. I don`t know what to say, because cultural changes take so long that we don`t get to see them in a lifetime, and we only have one life …

  2. Yes Ellen, we do have one life an its our life. why would the people in our surrounding take decisions on our life. I love my country and the values here which keep us grounded but i just hate the hypocrisy of letting innocent women brutally killed on the name of values and society.

  3. There is nothing in the world that can justify violence. In some countries women are looked down and men are not to blame since they were born in a society that passed on those values. Little by little, new generations realize the wrong in it and change but for a whole society to change, that`s what takes more than a lifetime. Where I live, men are very “macho”. People my age married to raise a family, women were housewives and depended entirely on the husbands. Unhappy marriages that didn´t end up in divorces just because divorce was a “bad word”. Now, women in their 20´s, men in their 20´s have made a radical change. Women work, are independant, don`t need a marriage to get out of the parental house. Men are learning to accept it but you still find some traces of the old days and see young couples being totally unhappy but living under the same roof because their families (my generation) won`t approve a divorce. I´m seeing the change in my lifetime, but my generation was born with those values and I have a hard time finding a man my age who accepts that I´m not a dependant woman if not an independant one.

  4. Ellen the biggest irony is that not only dependent women but financially independent women are also victims of domestic violence. they have every thing in life, money, status, reputation but still they have the social obligation of obeying her husband and his family members no matters if they deserve or not. and yes young generation can make a change.

  5. Hello, I was so sorry to hear about your flat mate’s friend. I can’t imagine the things you talk about. There was a time here in England when if a man beat his wife society turned a blind eye. No more, thank goodness! Although even now I bet it happens sometimes.
    Changes do take time and it is up to each generation and each individual to make those changes happen.
    With best wishes, Kathryn
    PS thanks for following my blog. I hope you enjoy it.

    • hello kathryn , thanks for stopping by, May be that was an ancient time in England when society used to ignore things like domestic violence then and there but unfortunately I can tell you that it is still happening in some places. I wonder how men can be so chauvinistic and feel so superior that they can even kill another soul. thanks for your comment..

  6. Being an American woman, I doubt I’d last long in another culture where women would not treated as equals married, or not. Having said that, why do the women of India (or any other Nation that put men on a pedestal) not rebel and demand that their antique customs be revised to correlated with modern society? I would think that by standing together, the women of your Nation(s) could have a real impact on revising current laws to allow women the same rights that the men now enjoy. I am so sorry to hear about your friend’s death. Please, accept my deepest condolences for your loss.

    • Thank you for your comment Orples; but the customs cannot be changed in a day.being an Indian girl i am capable of writing my ideas on a public forum and could use the F word so frequently in my post and I am not alone. there are million of women like me who protest against these antique customs. I talked about this girl in my post, the whole Indian media is after her husband and in-laws. We have proper laws in India to fight with the situations like this.The only problem is with the ideologies and how some extremists are always relating these ideologies with Indian values, and culture. Things are changing but they can not totally change unless we change our antique and rotten ideologies. These ideologies has been shove deep down under the Indian society and the new generation will definitely bring the change.

  7. I wish you the best of luck in one day being recognized as a ‘person’, regardless of gender. Maybe when your generation becomes the parents, you will make more strides for the benefit of future generations. I know we have to continually fight for our freedoms here. Right now, our biggest battle is simply maintaining the freedoms this Nation was founded on. Our traitor Government is hell bend on reliving us of our rights to privacy, free speech (SOPA) and our right to bear arms. They claim they are protecting us from terrorists, when in fact their ultimate intent is for a New World Order. For obvious reasons, I am fighting to maintain our Sovereign Identity. All of that is beside the point unless of course the people fail to succeed, thus forfeiting our heritage, which has separated America from the rest of the World. I don’t think the people of this Nation appreciate the gifts we were given by our founders.

  8. Domestic violence is prevalent not just in Indian society, but, pretty much everywhere. The only way it will reduce is when women realize that they are the ones to stop it. We seem to think that this can happen to somebody you don’t know or read about it in newspapers. It scares us when it happens to someone close to us.

    I take this opportunity to share what a group of women have done in Bangalore, India. This group of women are not the average educated working women. They do not have formal schooling, but have educated themselves enough to sign on any document and work as household help. Most of them had/have husbands who don’t support them financially. Worse, they have husbands who have abused them one way or the other.

    The women formed a self help group to support each other when they had to go to work. They engaged the local police station to offer protection and created the awareness in the younger generation about how violence is not to be accepted. Today, most of the men in that locality have understood that women should not be messed around with. :):):)

    Thank you Pooja for writing about it & giving me an opportunity to share something.

  9. Pooja here is my personal 2 paisa worth.If society pushes and you don’t like it. push back.Things won’t be pleasant but if you are like ‘so what who cares’ you know what?People buckle down.If you start putting up with shit there won’t be any end to it,And no man irrespective of his ethnicity is likely to express violence if he is faced with the prospect of being kneed in the groin. .

  10. Is there a super like button on wordpress???? I would like to press that!!!thank you for stopping by and leaving your valuable footprints here… I agree with you,’if you don’t like something; you tend to change it.’ Women need to be changed and strong so that this very thought of being kneed in the groin by a woman scare every man around before even having a single thought of domestic violence!!!!!

  11. This is sad and outrageous, a woman should love with joy and equality and the sharing of roles and the laughter and the sadness would be experienced together. I have been married for 25 years and I am happier now than at the start and I was very happy then. I see that the culture there is very different, however we do have the same problems here in America only it is not quite so prevalent.
    My heart hearts for you and for the dysfunctions of a culture that seems to be absent of the biblical ethics of true love. Love is not a feeling it is a commitment that says the other persons needs come before your own, that in fact you would give up your life to preserve the other!

  12. Thank you for stopping by JT…I wish God has not stopped making men like your thinking….i think this is not about the culture but basic instinct of men which is dominating and chauvinistic.. Some of the men are there for sure who have guts to accept women equal to them and can lead a graceful life…others can’t…

  13. The irony of the situation is many elite, rich and so called ‘educated’ men also treat their spouses like this. Yes sad, but thats how it is.

    So writing about these things is a small step in the right direction. At least, it makes people aware and makes women feel that they can survive without their abusive partners. And well. Suicides and putting up with such torture is not the solution.

    Kudos! Well written

    • thank you for the support zinal. Yes of course it is the irony that even rich and well educated people are treating their wives as a doormat… but nobody can save a woman unless she wants it… she tolerates everything on the name of love and marriage but she has to understand that if a man can not support her, can not understand her; then he can not love her….

  14. You can not blame whole country and its culture for mistakes of few. Both men and women have equal contributions for the glitches in it. Don’t for one’s mother is someone’s Mother-in-law. I appriciate that you write well please use it for good purpose. Your experience is not enough comment on a country and its culture.

    • hey abhishek… I live in one country and I know about that country only…this is something happened in my country.. If i have all the guts and proud on my value, strength and culture; I must have guts to accept the loop-holes in our society..this is like a diagnosed disease and not talking about it is not one of the cures we can look for… I am not saying everyone is there to be blamed but some men are out there ; that’s why its happening…anyway thank you for stooping by… i really appreciate you coming out with your honest opinion…

      • Survival of the fittest is natures rule its nothing do with culture.. region.. or whatever.. Have you not seen a husband following each and every word of his wife in the same society you live. Have you not seen wife ditching her husband in the same society you live.

        Why are you only pointing out men for everything.. why don’t you talk about female who separates men from his old parents. Female who provokes men to kill some ones daughter (wife).. Female who comes in b/n husband and wife spoils their family life. Rapes, Murders, suicides happens all over the world (countries with sophisticated society). Do you think Divorce can free a female from her difficulties. In the society you live, At least people are not living animals life changing partners every spring.
        Good and Bad is something related to human mentality.. neither a gender nor a society. You should be proud about this country because it has given you freedom to express your feelings!!!! what if you were born in a country where you don’t have that right …

  15. @abhishek don’t take this conversation on a wrong track..Its not about infidelity, female Vs Male. I think you didn’t go through the post carefully… Its about freedom of an individual (men or women no matters). If one is not happy in a relationship; he/she should make a decision and move out rather than leading a life full of suffering… it becomes a gender issue when domestic violence come in picture… No body on this earth has given any god-damn right to any individual to physical hurt somebody…no matter if she is his f###ing wife…so chill and have a cold glass of water…

  16. Just read your comment on “Rain Dance”… soul sister.. HAHA… U know what? I felt the same when I read this post or so to say all your posts. I am somewhat a rebel (feminist or whatever people like to call me as.) and I can see so much of myself in you… Keep writing

  17. Hi! Loved your article. You put so many things that I feel in such GOOD words and that to with such clarity and succinctness! Kudos. You know, recently I was sitting and reading about the our customs and society from old times, especially some, that were mentioned in the tele-soaps. I was shocked to find about quite a few of them which, it seems, are anti-woman in every way possible. I’m fast losing respect for our society and it’s value system which doesn’t evolve AT ALL with passage of time and reeks of hypocrisy in the name of values.

    Really sorry if this comment sounds negative and quite away from your beautiful concept of freedom of individual, but I feel that there is some collective pain, which has been passed on to us from those women who suffered, and continue to do so, which makes me feel so angry and disgusted about our value system!
    Keep writing! 🙂

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