For last few days, some sounds are literally being resonated in my mind. It feels as if I want to stop somebody from going away. I say, ‘stop, listen to me once; I can’t live without you; this is going to be hard for me; once you are away.’ But it’s not stopping, it’s going away; leaving me crying on my knees; yelling at myself and my stupidity; lying on the desert , a large and lonely desert which has nothing for me; no water, no love , no life. I keep on thinking whom I miss so much in my life, who I never want to say goodbye to. I have almost everything with me and why I am saying ‘Almost’? I definitely have everything with me. Lovely family, lot of good friends, love of my life, then what is it, which is indispensable for me; yet away. I want to chase that figure, go after it; want to know who and what it is? I tried several times, but I get exhausted running after it, the moment I catch it, it slips from my hands, it disappears, it fades and there is only a white smoke of disappointment every time.
Then, this day happened to me; which was quite an unforgettable day. From love to work everything failed; not because, I made a mistake but because it was a failure from the very starting. I tried a lot; sacrificed a lot for making everything work; from career to love in my life. And, I succeeded. People loved me because I pretended; I wanted to shout but I laughed. I was not happy with my relationships but I pretended to be in the best relationships of the world. I was never content with the outputs, I got at work but I faked to make the things look the best.
But one day, before this broken morning, when I was alone in this god-dam crowded city, I got to listen my own heartbeats. Every heartbeat, slowly, audible but still silence. All around this huge world what really mattered were my heartbeats. This is what makes me alive; if it stops, everything stops. If this is there deep down in my system, my system works. I have this with me; my heart, my heartbeat, my life, my companion, then why I was afraid all these years; of losing things, getting hurt, crying hard, living the way I wanted to. Now, the chase had been stopped; I was calm and composed enjoying myself.
That figure was still 2 steps ahead me but I didn’t want to catch it now. I didn’t even want to know who and what it was. Eyes closed, counting my heartbeats, I just wanted to be in that state. Then something strange happened that figure turned. I opened my eyes slowly to have a look; it was there, she was a girl; a beautiful girl, smiling to me. I shook my head, my eyes seem to cheat me; my mind was absent and I tried to recognize who she is.
Slowly the figure became clear to me; she was me, a girl; honest and pure as innocence, long back I used to be. No fakeness, no lies, opening my heart to every second person I used to meet, helping everyone without an expectation, making people smile, smiling and laughing without guilt. I found her finally, she imbibed me deep and once again I started listening to my heartbeats not in silence but even in this big deafening city full of fake people around me.
I understood the only thing you need in your life is to be alive and Mean it when you say,’I am alive’ and I am ‘ME.’ Now, I don’t get afraid, I don’t lie, I don’t pretend. Why??? Because, she is with me and she promised to be always with me, no matters what!!