sacrifice for love

She stopped feeling everything after few weeks. Pain, happiness, smiles, cries; everything. Only one thing flowing under her skin was nothingness. Feeling of having nothing; feeling nothing; dying of sinking to the deepest waters; where she couldn’t hear her own heartbeats. As if it was not beating and still for a moment.

Mother was crying on the phone, of her disappointments, her misfortune, her pain, and her never ending sorrows. And, all she wanted on the other side of the call was to end the call. Had it been some other day; some other moment, she would have felt the need of being with her mother, consoling her in her arms, wiping her tears off and shedding some to accompany hers. Surprisingly, she was feeling none of that.

She left him; that relationship; every relationship for that matter. She didn’t know for good or bad but she had to. Everyone thought that she is wrong. Maybe, they all are right. She didn’t know much. All she knew was that it had to end.

Not because, he was wrong or she was right. But because they were different; or maybe only she was different. She couldn’t understand him, her parents, or the quintessential decent society. She was imperfect to everyone.

She didn’t know not putting her dreams on the back seat made her less committed. She didn’t know not putting a red mark on her forehead made her less married. She didn’t know not changing her surname made her less loyal.

An imperfect daughter, an imperfect girlfriend, an imperfect bride and an imperfect woman.

An imperfect woman who couldn’t understand the art of taking permissions; obeying orders; making herself indispensable; and having smiling lips and a sore soul. An imperfect woman who could not understand what it means when someone says, ‘sacrifice for love’.



‘love left us’ – Part 2 -‘Sacrifice in love’

January 2012, leaned on that window pane of her tiny apartment in Mumbai, Stuti was sitting with arms hugging her folded shaky legs. A half emptied fine bottle of Smirnoff, 3 cigarettes left in that Marlboro packet, tears were flowing relentlessly, wetting her face and neck; that too since how long, she had no idea. The point had come, she could not stand it more, and the pain in her heart had made her dead cold. Having the wildest thought running across her mind, she stood up slowly, looking for a wall to support her trembling legs and started looking for something specifically in her make-up box. After 20 seconds of blurring vision, she could grab a new unused razor from that bag. Fearlessly, she took the same position near that window.

Not looking at the target, she cut her ankle deep with her shuddering left hand and then slowly let the razor fall on the floor. She could feel no pain but a pleasure and a real pleasure hurting herself. Blood drenching her ankle, her foot and then painted the white marble floor in the most vibrant color. She could feel her body all drained out of blood and vodka taking its’ place; running through her arteries and veins. She smiled to herself out of that pain as Anant’s voice was echoing in her head, when he called her last time, eight months back.

‘This is what you really want; money, career, glamour  I mean nothing to you; our love means nothing to you. I want a simple girl who listens to me, who loves me, who can sacrifice for our love. You are not the one. I made a mistake, I chose a wrong girl. A girl like you doesn’t deserve my love, you don’t deserve me’, he was shouting at his peak on the call.

‘Listen to me Anant, why you comparing yourself with this practical stuff, you know I love you. Acting is my passion and I do it because I love to do it, not because I want glamor and money. I wanted to do that play because the character fascinated me. It had nothing to do with real life and the person I was romancing with, in the play. Why don’t you understand?’

‘I very well-understood Stuti, I know, you are not the one. You don’t respect me; you don’t respect my decisions. I did everything to be with you but all in vain’

‘Why would I need to respect you Anant, when I love you? Can’t you just accept me as I am and with everything I want to do?’

‘Hah! You love me Stuti??? I have sacrificed so many things for you. People sacrifice their lives in love and you can’t let go this filthy theater. I told you hundreds of times; I don’t like you to do all this nonsense. You know something, I used to love a simple girl from that small village of Kerala who had innocent dreams and who used to love me a lot since our childhood. But I guess she died long back or you killed her, I don’t know. But guess what? I don’t know you and I don’t want to anymore. So goodbye and everything is over and believe me when I say EVERYTHING IS OVER.’ these were Anant’s last words before disconnecting the call.

‘Why one has to sacrifice to prove one’s love? Why couldn’t we just love each other without sacrificing for each other? I love him but I never understood where I did wrong; I just loved my dreams and my passion which makes me complete. I have gained so much; but I am not happy. But, will I be happy leaving my passion for my love. Is this only love which I want to be happy, to be complete? He had argued several times with his orthodox parents who didn’t accept me, a girl from different caste. He hadn’t visited his home after the day his father abused me out of frustration. I know he loves me like nobody can. He denies but he knows that I love him. Then why we are apart? Why none of us want to leave our ego and embrace the selfless love.’ Stuti was asking the same questions to herself and to Anant in her alcoholic hallucination for like millionth of time. Sleepy, dreamy and hallucinating Stuti tied a scarf around her ankle and lit another cigarette. Leaned on the same window pane, she couldn’t realize when her quizzical, exhausted eyes fell asleep, without giving any solution for her happiness.

‘Love left us’ – Part 1 – the very first meeting

Lying on the bed, she was staring at the roof and it was incessantly the fourth hour. With the wings of that dirty fan, all the good-bad memories of last three years were spinning around her eyes. Three years ago, December 2009, when she was on the way to meet him the very first time. In the shivering winters of New Delhi, wearing a red-green suit, wrapped in a black shawl, she took an auto early morning. A heart pounding at its peak, full of fears, excitement, insecurities showed her the way to her destiny. It was her first month in this gigantic city and her first time to Delhi airport or to any airport for that matter.

She could not sleep the whole night after the moment he said on phone, ‘See you tomorrow morning sharp at eight.’ “Are you serious? You can’t be. You had no plans until yesterday and you are in Bangalore”, she said in a shocking-cum-scared voice. “Yes, I am but you only say that I am superman, so?” ‘I don’t know but every time the confidence in his voice makes me believe everything he says,’ she thought and saw her face in the front mirror adjusting that hair flick behind her ear. After 8 years she is finally meeting him, he, who was her superman, her first crush, her first love, the man of her dreams. How he would look like? He will be taller than before for sure and those big black mischievous eyes, will they be same? Those fine black strands of his hair, always falling on his forehead and how he used to comb them with his fingers every ten minutes, she thought about all the childhood memories and smiles at herself. The fear transformed into nostalgia, smiles, love but it again hit her back as auto driver said, ‘Madam domestic arrival aa gya.’ Confused & scared she got down, looking at everyone as if he is the one.

After a ten minute gait around the arrival terminal, she thought finally she should call him. As soon as she took her mobile from the purse, she sensed a 6 feet tall figure in front of her. Still looking down at the mobile, she knew it was him, but she couldn’t gather herself to see him up. ‘Hello madam curie, How are you?’ he said the same way he used to tease her back in school. ‘Ok, I cannot avoid this situation any more. She thought and looked up and there he was, more handsome and confident than she had thought. She was all blushing and he was all smiling. She found herself completely lost, could not say a single word. ‘Madam, there is no chutti from the unit. I have literally absconded for the day and have to leave by 2 pm flight so can we sit somewhere and talk, plus I am hungry to death?’ he said all that so confidently as if we meet every day for the breakfast.

She followed him to ‘the Costa Coffee Café & Bar’ like an idiot. ‘So what will you have for breakfast? Pranthas? Sandwich? Or nothing, actually you should avoid eating much and did I mention u look fat? He said all that in a single breath and smiled. Shockingly she murmured, ‘See I hate this when he controls me so easily right from the school.’ Anything you like, she said and headed towards the corner table for two. As soon as she sat on the chair, her train of thoughts started adding compartments as always. ‘He has come all the way from Bangalore to meet me or to have breakfast. He hasn’t proposed me yet. Its’ only two months since we are talking and today I am meeting him, why?’ before she could reach to any conclusion, he came. ‘Same fearless walk like a tiger, smiling to me or smiling at me; I don’t know but who wants to know when he is actually there’, she thought. They didn’t say anything to each other. Again he was all smiling and she was all blushing. They had breakfast in silence and then as usual he took charge, ‘Come, I show you a place.’

They went up to the runway. He showed some document to the security there and then beckoned her to join him. ‘Where we are going?’ she asked. Lets’ go to the airstrip and we will watch some planes taking off. I like the sound when they take off’, he said that not looking at her but on the pavement they were taking to the runway. ‘You live with them. You must have been seen a hundreds of them taking off, landing on the ground. You fly them every day still you want to watch them taking off,’ she said that with a disappointment of getting her first date ruined by watching some planes flying. Suddenly he turned to her, ‘May be, I live with the aircrafts but I still can live with them whole my life because I love them. Flying is something I love to do, my passion. Whatever happens in life, the charm for what you love, should never be lost.

Seeing her still disappointed he came close, held her face in his hands and said, ‘Madam, this is our first meeting, we are excited that we met. We will meet again and again. After sometime, we will stay together, get married and have kids but I want to love you and feel excited and happy every time and every day I will see you, the same way ‘I Am’ right now. We should be always fresh in each other’s heart & mind, every day, every moment and our love should be as fresh as it was in school days when you used to be my crush. This charm should never be lost.’

Looking in those big black eyes, she lost her self and found all the answers of her life. She needs no flowers, no proposals, no promises, and no commitment. She doesn’t need anything. She knew that whatever happens, this man is going to support her, to be with her at any cost. He will never let the charm lost.

Her dreams broke with the knock at her door. Her neighbor was calling her to show some of her stupid new bought dresses. ‘Yes, the charm should not have been lost but unfortunately it did get lost’,she thought getting up from the bed.